jan 26th resolutions

Poem by Jacob Jing

I swear this is not a poem about my last quiz grade or my calculus lecture. I swear I will not think about my five assignments due or my college applications. I swear. Yesterday, in counseling, I said I was doing better. That I’ve been making myself think only of beautiful things. And I want that to be true. I want the butterflies to come back. I want it to stop raining. It has been cloudy for some time now, and I miss the blue. I miss when we could love everything and anything. Now, when I say love, I mean please tell me that I should stay. I mean I am still trying to find my own heart. My mom tells me that I was born small. My chest no wider than a palm. My heartbeat rattling through me like a drum. As a result, it is still hard for me to tell my parents I love them. It is still hard for me to not look back. The Chinese prefer to show love through nonverbal means. My mom makes a feast every time I come home, and my dad messages me often. He asks me how my classes are doing. When I failed my first calculus quiz, I texted him first. I wanted to ask him if he could forgive me. My counselor told me that I should learn to forgive myself first. So I am trying to not linger on the sad things anymore. I’m trying to hug my parents more. I’m trying to live with this small heart. And one day, it will stop raining and the butterflies will come back and the sky will be so blue that our bodies disappear. When we are nothing but the warmth in our hands, I will tell myself to stay. I will go outside. I will turn to the world and say I love you, I love you, I love you.