Chapters to Love

Written by Tia
T.W.: mention of the word ‘Blood’.

Time has been passing since I can last remember…

I have remained stagnant for quite some time now. Within these four walls of cement and brick, I witnessed myself succumb to numerous routines, heartbreaks, rhythms, chores, choices, and transitions. 

But none transformed me like an enzyme called Love. 

I remember sitting, waiting, and hoping to see light once again…

Pain felt like the closest confidant of my solitude. The zeal for life was withering away. Blindness was painting itself over my already clouded vision, and breathing felt like heavy strokes to suck in air. 

Love was watching me wither away. But it could not enter until I opened the door…

To be frank, residing in that darkness made me feel as though it was pointless to even look for a door, let alone open it. But I guess, pain has interesting ways of pushing you further. 

Inevitably, I reached for the door handle. Tricky this is, might I add. Because when you swim inside an ocean of dark and believe it to be your space forever, you forget the existence of light. More so, you are gaslit to believe that the light at the end of the tunnel is not for you. So, when I placed my hand on the doorknob, I was terrified. 

Terror made me make Love wait…

My fears convinced me that Love would lose its patience and leave me behind. But the still-existent humanity in me, albeit sparingly, decided to give Love a friendly chance. So, I opened the door, enough for it to make a crack- enough to see the stranger knocking on my door. Enough of a crack to spy for ill intentions from the other side.

I was preparing to be ‘inevitably left behind’. That was my usual after all, you see. What magic can occur now?

But the vision of light enthralled me. I felt instantaneously starved. 

A hidden hunger crept in that I never realised even existed…

The existence of my closest confidant, Pain, began to make sense. I never knew of its identity or origin.  But upon the incoming of light, darkness began to take its figure and body. And now I was beginning to distinguish the difference between light and darkness. I was sceptical and guarded. It is not that I would be saved, would I? And what does this door even entail? I didn’t know. So, I was cautious. 

But upon the sight of Love, my hunger grew…

I was beginning to feel greedy to leave my old ways behind. A hunger I could not make meaning out of, but I was certain it would change me. 

Was I ready for change? No. Was I ready for a change I had no control over? Absolutely not.

But this is the trap of Love, you see. The kind of trap one needs. 

The kind of trap that was going to make me feel…human perhaps…

The kind of trap that changes survival to living life.

But was I ready? No. However, this light felt warm. So, peeking through the crack of my door, I asked, 

What’s it to you, stranger?

Why have you arrived here?

What do you want?

I heard giggles. The warmest of aura enthralled me with its reply. 

Would you let me in, please?

I promise in my name that I will not hurt you. I just want to be your companion. 

I asked, 

What is your name?

Love. My name is Love. 

I feebly said alright and let this unknown entity in. I sensed safety, and it would be diabolical if it attacked me immediately after its promise. And quite weirdly enough, I did not want to question this trust that was building. I was hungry after all.

Mortally, time went by. I was still inside these four walls, and I grew by age. 

But I was finding myself melting at its presence.  As I did, I was also testing Love of its loyalty. 

Did you really mean it when you said you would stay?

You are asking me this again, dear? Yes. Yes, all over again.

Time passed. 

Do you wish to stay as my companion?

Yes I do. I do not doubt it.

Time passed.

Do you?

I would never say otherwise. 

I still was not convinced. 

You have not seen the worst of me, Love. 

And I heard,

What could you do that would possibly make it as bad as it is in your imagination?

 I showed. 

Meticulously, I displayed my thorns. I knew they were going to make Love bleed. 

And they did….

Blood spilled all over. It hurt, and I knew it hurt. Perhaps I was being evil. Indeed, this is evil. But I was proving what was in my imagination. I was doing the worst. The worst of what I saw. The worst of what I felt. The worst of what I knew. I was doing it.

See? This is the worst of my imagination.

Love wailed. And it was louder than the looming silence of darkness, but brighter like the light. It hurt my eyes hearing Love wail.

It hurt me….

Are you stupid?

I was asked. 

Are you seriously so stupid? You thought you would use your fears to drive me away. Do you really believe that the monsters in your head would convince me to leave you?

Y-yes.

I replied. 

Do you not realise that they were crafted to keep you entrapped in this darkness? They do not want you to leave this space ever. Even if it means turning yourself into a monster when you are not. 

I was left stunned. 

I….was never a monster?

No, you were never and are never a monster.

Love heard my thoughts too…?!

However, you will be accountable and answerable for the blood I have spilled. 

To whom I thought.

Not to anyone else. To yourself, solely. And may I warn you. It is perhaps the most daunting to look at your own self in the eye. But you have to. You ought to, darling.

A firm hit of truth replaced the numbness in my heart. It was no longer just an organ beating with blood. It was turning into a voice that synced with the voice of Love. 

And I began to have no control over the one thing I was sure I had control over. 

Myself. 

Stage 1 was hatred. I was taught to hate myself all my life. I learnt to hate myself because the ways of the world pushed me to. So, the sight of Love’s blood made me respond with self hatred. 

Self-hatred is the kind of burden that is going to pull you down with it. It is inherited and kept in the subtlest of spaces. And then with time, it takes its space all over.

I continued to listen.

You are a beautiful soul who does not deserve to be plagued by the disease of self-hatred. Not only are you going to pull yourself down, but anyone who is dying to love you too. 

Why would they love me?

I asked.

Silly! I love you!
Even after I-

Yes, even after you made me drown. In my blood. Pain made you do it. And I took your pain, so that you never have to drown in your blood, nor do you have to watch someone else drown in theirs.

For the first time in my life, I wailed. 

Like I was being born into this planet again-as though I was my newborn self….